I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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