i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
