Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
