I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
stop calling my apartment porn island.
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
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