so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
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