Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Randomize
