i may or may not be watching the land before time
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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