Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
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