I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
I'm having to shit out rocks
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
