Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
it's too hot outside to masturbate.
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Randomize