She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Randomize
