You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
Someone signed my nipple.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Randomize
