Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
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