You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
