I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
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