...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Randomize
