today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
Randomize
