I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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