you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
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