after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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