the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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