She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Randomize
