My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
NASCAR RACE 2010 NO REGRETZZZ!!!
It is literally 8 in the morning.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
Randomize
