woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Randomize
