Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
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