Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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