her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
