Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
Randomize
