Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
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