You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
dude i have an english essay and a bio lab due tomorow
so basically your not goin out tonight?
who said that?
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Randomize
