last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Randomize
