Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
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