She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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