so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
