You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Randomize
