I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
