Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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