she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
Just high enough for therapy.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
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