so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Randomize
