i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
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