I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
