I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Randomize
