'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
