A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
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