I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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