I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
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