So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
her facebook's as public as her vagina
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
Randomize
