The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
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