I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
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