I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
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