youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
Heyyyy, naked guy in your kitchen, can i ask you a quick question about a legal situation in pb??
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
