sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
