Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
