Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
