Don't make out with my wife yet
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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