my mouth tastes like poor choices
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
Randomize
