Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
