we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
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