i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
Yea he called the cop officer fonzarelli and asked him if he was mad because happy days was off the air. Boom, beaten and arrested
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
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