I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
Randomize
