Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
Edward fifth and chaser hands
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
