she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Randomize
