6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
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