I painted my nails silver
And what are the implications of that?
Is there supposed to be a msg in that? Just thought ud like to know it looks like I fingerbanged an alien
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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