Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
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