Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
Randomize
